Gracious Separation

I am a pastor and a preacher, a writer, a husband and a soon-to-be father. My professional and personal lives are deeply involved with story-telling: stories that are poignant, silly, profound, and commonplace. Stories that are tear-jerkers and belly-shakers. To paraphrase Wendell Berry, there are no unsacred stories for each one sheds light on the great story written across creation. I offer a window into my experience in hopes that others glimpse a reflection of their own.

When I began serving a small church in rural Appalachia almost two years ago, it was immediately obvious to me that a retired college professor was one of our leaders. She spearheaded our outreach ministry, taught The Thoughtful Christian material in Sunday school, and led one of our Presbyterian Women’s Circles. She was not only involved, but also engaged. She faithfully came to Bible study every week and asked probing questions. She actively listened to my sermons and would email counterpoints that had occurred to her the following week.

A few months ago, she invited me to her house and informed me that she was transferring her membership to another church. Right or wrong, I have a tendency to take such things personally:

“But you can’t go! You challenged us to think and learn. You pushed us to reach out into our community. We need you! I need you!”

“I don’t think God is calling me to be in this church,” she countered.

“What do you mean? Just think of all the activities that you’ve led!”

“Well, I’ve come to believe that leadership is more than just a willingness to do things.”

I’m not going to rehearse the complaints she had against our church. It would be too tempting for me to try and refute them, point-by-point. Her truth is that, for personal and political reasons, she felt out of place and felt that she needed to leave.

Does this sound familiar?

Like many others, our presbytery is currently working on our “gracious separation” policy. There are churches among our fellowship who, for personal and political reasons, feel out of place and want to leave. Most of us being left behind have a tendency to take this personally. We'd thought of some of them as leading congregations in our area. They had challenged, pushed, and taught us.

But I, too, have come to believe that leadership is more than just a willingness to do things.

Since she left our church, no single person has stepped up to take her place. No one person does everything that she did. Instead, many different people are picking up where she left off. Some activities have been continued; others have changed as different people have brought their own ideas. We still miss her; I miss her. Yet her decision has led us to discern prayerfully how we want to live and work and worship.

I’m not sure that our church is “better” after she left…but, thanks be to God, we are still being led.

Comments

[Brenda Simpson]

Presbyterian Leader, this article is a complete disappointment. Does no one edit this blog?

The story can be summarized as nothing more than "one time someone left my church." The writer offers no insight of any value to other pastors or congregants. What are the particular pastoral concerns of those facing this issue? How might such a separation be best handled? What even makes the separation "gracious?" Is he blessing those who leave? Is he offering them a commissioning in worship? What role do other congregants have in ensuring that the separation be "gracious?" What is one part of his experience or one little shred of insight here that might be instructive to the larger church?

Aside from the sheer lack of meaningful content, this piece is incredible poorly written. Take, for instance, these two sentences:

"Her truth is that, for personal and political reasons, she felt out of place and felt that she needed to leave."

and

"There are churches among our fellowship who, for personal and political reasons, feel out of place and want to leave. "

No editor would have let that redundancy stand, but it gets worse:
"Most of us whom are being left behind have a tendency to take this personally." Whom are? Really? "Whom are" these folks writing for you?

These pieces are an embarrassment to the denomination. Offer us substance. Offer us clarity, but at the very least, offer us literacy.

[Nan G.]

Gosh, Brenda, I certainly don't see what this writer did to deserve your vicious attack. I found his piece to be thoughtful, irenic, and suggestive of wider application in the life of the church. It clearly was not meant to be a "how to" guide for dealing with departing members.

As for the writing, it's perfectly coherent. The tone is gentle and persuasive (unlike your own). Those two sentences are not redundant, but intentionally parallel. I think that's obvious. As for one grammatical error, that could be nothing more than a typo. And if a typo somehow discredits the entire piece, than perhaps you should look a little more closely at "this piece is incredible poorly written."

I disagree with you completely, and I'm shocked by the ugly tone of your comment.

[Brenda Simpson]

Fair enough. You caught my typo. I suppose that was my mistake for using the same non-existent editors who volunteer for The Presbyterian Leader. Then again, I've never claimed the identity of a writer. I'm a mere reader looking for thoughtful content.

And surely you recognize a distinction between redundant and parallel. Parallel statements aren't simply identical. That's just lazy.

If I sound angry, I am. I'm ready for new, fresh, insightful voices who represent the best of the leadership in our denomination. Too many of the postings here are simply long ramblings of platitudes that contribute nothing of any substance to our current conversations.

[Byron Wade]

Hi Brenda,

I'm Byron Wade and I am also one of the guest bloggers on this site. Although I personally enjoyed Andrew's post, I'm sorry that it did not resonate with you. This is our first week at doing this and we're trying to get our feet "wet" and tell our own experiences of either being a leader or dealing with church leadership issues. We're just starting out and hopefully you'll give us some time. I am certain that from our varied experiences you will read a post that you will like.

By the way if there is something you would like to read/hear, let me know and I'll be glad to post something to that effect.

Peace,
Byron